Roadways............
Journey Towards Forgiveness
Introduction
It is not uncommon for the Christian to have question concerning forgiveness. But forgiveness did not come easily for us as it involved long process of emotional rollercoaster which normally end up in heartache! Our natural instinct is to recoil in self-protection when we've been injured and journey into abyss of tear and fear. We don't naturally overflow with mercy, grace and forgiveness when we've been wronged but full of rage and anger. Is forgiveness involves a clear conscious choice, a physical act involving the will, or is it a feeling, an emotional state of being? Forgiveness isn’t something we do for someone else; it’s a process for healing ourselves.
Christian
forgiveness is based on the idea, or rather the event, of divine forgiveness:
“As the Lord has forgiven you, so you also [must forgive]” (Col. 3:13). Such
cordiality according to Biblical mandate would be the fruit of mutual apology
and mutual forgiveness, but even that seems to be far from people’s minds. The
word “forgiveness” is not a popular one; it sounds like the jargon of
sentimental preachers. A student of mine in TEE- Ipoh asked me, “Pastor, how
many times you have forgiven me as I am always being late to class?” I was
laughing away with this question! It is easier to forget than to forgive, for
forgiveness implies a relationship with the one to be forgiven—that is not
desired. Forgiveness doesn’t mean condoning inappropriate behaviour and
excusing personal violations. It doesn’t mean giving up or hiding or denying
what was done. To forgive someone of something doesn’t necessarily mean turning
the other cheek so that you can be hurt again. To forgive doesn’t mean you
forget that you were harmed. But peace-building or
reconciliation in our Christian way means cultivating a mutuality of concern
with the one that had been comfortably categorized as the enemy.
The Bible offers insight and answers to these
and many more questions about forgiveness. We'll take a look at the most
frequently asked questions and find out what the Bible says about forgiveness.
In Matthew 18:21-22 then Peter
came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother
when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell
you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times: This is real essence
of forgiveness and open up the truth about. In my journey as a priest for 13
years in the Diocese of West Malaysia, I was overwhelmed whenever I think about
my journey in forgiveness and reconciliation. It always bothered me how to
rekindle the love that been lose in the pilgrimage. Most of the time, the brain
will tell us to forget but I wondered is this the way taught by HIM. Should I
just leave it or go back the treacherous way of forgiveness.
Self-awareness - Equanimity of Forgiveness
Equanimity is a state of stability or composure arising
from a deep awareness and acceptance of the present moment. But this state of
calmness arises only when we aware ourselves and eventually prepare ourselves
to receive the healing of forgiveness. The immediate result of the awareness
will be theological virtues of love, acceptance, gentleness, charity and without
hostility. Carl Jung a Swiss
psychiatrist and founder of analytical psychology felt that we don’t really solve a problem, rather we
go to the mountain top, figuratively speaking, and learn to see it differently.
Forgiveness involves both willingness to work through the feelings that
keep us reverberating in unresolved, painful emotions that make forgiveness
seem impossible. This is self awareness which involves provocative and
deliberate attempt to know ourselves. In my CPE training (Malaysian Indigenous
Clinical Pastoral Education) I have experience the wonderful process of self
awareness and rediscovery of joy in serving him. It involves 240 hours of
intense self discovery process which eventually reaffirm our calling and
ministry. In the same way vice versa, I have seen people been transformed and
experience the powerful felling of awareness and calmness.
How to aware ourselves? Self-awareness in general is understanding your
personality, behaviours, habits, emotional reactions, motivations, and thought
processes. In Christian context, it
involves the process of having more knowledge about God and HIS will. The first thing we may learn about ourselves
is that we are made — created, not evolved. Furthermore, we are made uniquely
in the image of our Creator and given the freedom to choose. These are the
initial stepping stones that teach us about ourselves as we come to the
knowledge of God in Christ. In the proper context it is a very good thing to be
self-aware. This core belief and faith per-say will be the stepping stone to accept
the condition we are in and triggering point for the ultimate process of
awareness. Self Awareness in
Biblical term is having a clear perception of your personality, including
strengths, weaknesses, thoughts, beliefs, motivation, and emotions. Self Awareness
allows you to understand other people, how they perceive you, your attitude and
your responses to them in the moment.
Ways to Forgive
It’s
not as though you can simply decide to forgive someone and it is done. In my
own life, I had meet and encountered many situation which produced trauma and
resentment beyond forgiveness. But I believes that Forgiving is an active
process and to get from here to there is a journey to be travelled. But you
don’t have to take it alone. Don’t be afraid to ask for help along the way. I
did sought help and it comes in the way of MI-CPE.
·
Acknowledge
all the feelings
which been hidden for years in a layer of deceit. Though anger and resentment
might be on top, beneath may lie feelings of hurt, betrayal, loss and grief.
Uncovering these more tender emotions may be painful, but, like curves in the
road, it is part of the journey to be travelled.
·
Stop
blaming.
So long as you hold someone else responsible for your feelings or
circumstances, you don’t own your own life. You stop blaming by accepting total
responsibility for your life.
·
Release
the desire for revenge.
The wish to inflict suffering or pain on the person who hurt us keeps us in a
place of suffering and pain. We cannot experience the freedom of forgiveness
until we are willing to move away from the need to punish. Romans 12:19 Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave
room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will
repay," says the Lord.
·
Learn
to accept.
It’s virtually impossible to stop judging; however, the fewer negative
judgments we make, the easier it is to accept. As mentioned in Romans 15:7 “accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted
you, in order to bring praise to God”. And, “Acceptance is forgiveness in
action.” Think of how useless negative judgments are: does it affect the
weather because we say it’s awful? Imagine complaining to God about the quality
of a sunset. Judgments say very little about the judged, but communicate lots
about the one who is doing the judging.
·
Decide
to confront or not.
Talking with the person who has harmed you may or may not be the best action to
take. Professional counselling can help you in making this decision.
·
Let
go.
Only through releasing all feelings of anger, resentment, or animosity can
forgiveness be unconditional. “Sweet forgiveness cannot hold any taste of
bitterness,” says Brian Luke Seaward. “When feelings of anger are released, the
spirit once held captive by the encumbrance of anger is free to journey again.”
Conclusion
God used many things to put together the broken shards of my life. We forgive by
faith, out of obedience. Since forgiveness goes against our
nature, we must forgive by faith, whether we feel like it or not. We must trust
God to do the work in us that needs to be done so that the forgiveness will be
complete I believe God honours our commitment to obey Him and our desire to
please him when we choose to forgive. He completes the work in his time. We
must continue to forgive (our job), by faith, until the work of forgiveness
(the Lord's job), is done in our hearts. Forgiveness arrives as the result of many small steps. And these small
steps create big effects. You may need a helping hand to guide and help move
you through it. Most people do. A trusted friend or family member, spiritual
advisor, a therapist or helping professional is/are allies that are ready to
help you. Reach out and ask for help if you need it. There's no need to suffer
more than you already have. In the end, the importance
of forgiveness is vital for your health and wellbeing.
Evidence shows that holding onto anger, self-recrimination and self-criticism
is stressful and unhealthy.
By. Rev. Issac Pandianadan
Vicar – Holy Trinity Church, BG
